Coaching Blog

31
Jan

Vestry as a Life-Giving Team

by Chris Holmes
Published January 2019
Episcopal Church Foundation Vital Practices Publication

You have surely experienced teams that were life-giving and productive, and I’ll bet you’ve also served on teams that were energy-suckers and a waste of your time. What caused those to be such different experiences? Which kind of team is your vestry?

Life-giving teams build community and synergy around a higher purpose while utilizing the gifts of each member of the team. This kind of a team doesn’t just sort of happen. It is the consequence of a process of careful selection, intentional development and team leader training.

The difference between a group and a team

The first thing to realize about teamwork is that a team is fundamentally different from a group. Groups come together for sharing or learning and then apply that learning to their individual lives. Teams develop a common vision with established goals, and rise or fall together because their members share responsibility for the results of their work.

The church vestry is innately designed to function as a team with shared responsibility for church governance, structure and selection. It holds a place at the top of the local congregation’s organizational structure, with the purpose of helping the congregation fulfill its mission. The best of vestry life happens when the organization functions as a team accomplishing its work productively and collaboratively. The worst of vestry life plays out when it behaves as a group of individuals protecting their silo areas, fighting for turf and refusing to budge for the greater good of the congregation.

Six conditions of team effectiveness

A research study involving thousands of teams identified as effective, found these six common factors:

  1. Effective teams have a compelling direction. The purpose for meeting is captivating and clear and the team is able to measure what success looks like.
  2. The right people are on the team for the right reasons. Most often these are stakeholders in the mission of the organization who have the ability to play well with others.
  3. Team membership is well defined. There is utter clarity about who is on the team and who is not. You would be surprised at how often this is unclear.
  4. The team matters to the organization and its leadership. The team is given enough authority to carry importance, has an adequate budget and undisputed organizational buy-in.
  5. The structure of the team is solid. There is administrative support, a reasonable time-line, role definition and clarity about critical details.
  6. The team is adequately led/coached. The leader of the team is trained and has a good grasp of working with others.

The study on Team Effectiveness found that when the first five of these factors are in place, there is a 60% chance that the team will be effective in doing its work. The other 40% chance of success in effectiveness depends upon the quality of leadership provided to the team.

This research suggests that it is imperative for the vestry to have a clear sense of purpose, membership that is chosen with intention and leadership that is capable. These elements are sometimes challenging in volunteer organizations with limited resources. However, they are essential for vestries in the process of becoming life-giving teams.

Four marks of a life-giving vestry
  1. Shared leadership with clergy. Rector and vestry serve as an aligned team viewing their relationship as a partnership of shared responsibility for leading the congregation and bringing about transformation.
  2. Aligned with purpose. The vestry does the important work of listening to the congregation while visioning what is possible, and then from that input, discerning a compelling purpose for the congregation. That discerned purpose becomes more than a statement on paper when the vestry constantly examines where it is spending its time and money by asking, “How does this embody and fulfill our purpose?”
  3. Mission focused. The vestry shares with the rector the task of discerning where God is calling the faith community to be active beyond the walls of the church. As much time is spent in meetings discussing ministry and mission as is spent talking about governance, structure and selection. Life-giving vestries have a clear vision for how to live out God’s call in the world in service to and with others.
  4. Understanding of holy work. Vestry members understand that their service on the vestry is more a calling to be in ministry than an election to a position. Life-giving vestries spend time in prayer listening for the direction of the Holy Spirit. Members are faith-centered, biblically grounded and spiritually mature.
Growing life-giving leadership

Strong leaders are shaped, not born. In vestry life we have the great opportunity to help increase the leadership ability of those placed in positions of leadership in the church by teaching them the skills needed to succeed.

Consider holding a vestry workshop for new church leaders called, “How to Lead a Stellar Church Meeting,” covering these essential ingredients:

  • Basic group facilitation skills
  • Meeting reminders with an attached agenda
  • Starting and ending on time
  • Grounding the work in the larger purpose of the church
  • Including prayer and honoring the work of the Spirit
  • Ending each meeting with clear action items and a person’s name attached to each commitment

Very often, this kind of workshop can be led by a vestry member who learned team leadership skills in their workplace.

Vestry service does not have to be contentious, frustrating drudgery. Who wouldn’t rather serve on a vestry that works joyfully as a team and focuses on God’s amazing work in the world as the body of Christ? Life-giving vestries don’t just materialize on their own, they happen on purpose when attention is given to careful election of membership, clarity of purpose with a focus on mission and intentional training of leaders.

Chris Holmes leads The Holmes Coaching Group, Inc. specializing in coaching church vestries, pastors and denominational leaders. He is a United Methodist Pastor, consultant to the Episcopal Church Foundation, and author of The Art of Coaching Clergy.

This article is part of the January 2019 Vestry Papers issue on Vestry as Team
27
Mar

The Blessing of Hunger

GUEST BLOG BY THOMPSON MURRAY, AFFILIATE COACH

A friend/parishioner walked into my office the other day and asked me a great question about what I planned to do after I retired.  I’ve got a plan and a lot of excitement about this impending chapter in my life, so I began telling her. At the first pause between my words she began to share her experience with retirement, and that’s what we talked about for the next ten minutes.

As soon as we quit talking about me, I realized how hungry I was to talk about this new phase of my life with someone who would listen to what I was thinking, but this person was not a coach.

I’m not wanting to be too hard on my parishioner/friend. She’s a kind person who came to me with a genuine question, but her mind quickly traveled to a familiar thought of her own. I think we often ask questions with the unconscious intention of providing an opportunity to express our own thoughts. That’s a common occurrence, but that small interaction reminded me of the difference between coaching and casual conversation. Coaching requires a form of disciplined listening that we generally fail to exercise in casual conversation. It doesn’t take a genius to realize this, but this is the genius of coaching.

Gratefully, you don’t have to be brilliant to be a coach. The task of a coach is to listen for and to extract the brilliance in others. This is no small task, and it’s particularly difficult with individuals who are quick to put their genius on parade. But there aren’t any of us who don’t need a little help managing our inner wisdom, which is the work of a coach. Moving into new territory is rarely an easy journey, and there’s nothing like a well-crafted question and a listening heart to provide needed light and to promote effective action. Coaching isn’t rocket science, but done properly, a good coach will enable a client to explore their outer limits, and who doesn’t want to go on such a journey!

I’m grateful to my parishioner for asking me a good question and for inadvertently reminding me of the very thing that fuels successful coaching – hunger for more understanding of who we are and what we can do. I’m grateful for the hunger.

It’s that hunger that keeps us all asking and listening and praying and finding!


THOMPSON MURRAY IS AN AFFILIATE COACH WITH THE HOLMES COACHING GROUP.
FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION ABOUT THOMPSON AND HIS WORK, CLICK HERE.
8
Feb

Coaching is Sacred Relatedness

Guest Blog by George “Skip” Casey, ACC, Affiliate Coach–

In his classic The Varieties of Religious Experience (1902), William James conducts a pragmatic examination of a large and varied sample of documented religious experiences from Christianity, Islam, and Buddhism. His pragmatic approach assumes anything that produces results must be real. He concludes the act of praying produces beneficial personal results beyond what the individual’s own self-development efforts are able to produce. James theorizes that in the less conscious recesses of our being we interact with God in a holistic and genuine way, a mysterious sacred relatedness. This is where and how spiritual healing and practical spiritual revelation occurs. This is the type of healing our own egos resist. Because, as the ego attempts to change itself, it is also seeking to maintain its status quo.

A careful review of the ICF Master Coaching Criteria reveals qualities of interaction one might intuit as sacred relatedness, similar to the relatedness James describes, we experience with the Divine at the deeper levels of our being. The following statements are a small sample selected from the ICF Master level competencies.

  • Coach is connected to complete trust in new and mutual states of awareness that can only arise in the moment and out of joint conversation.
  • The connection is to the whole of who client is, how the client learns, what the client has to teach the coach.
  • Coach’s listening is completely attuned as a learner and listening happens at the logical, emotional, and organic level at one time.
  • The coach recognizes both hers and the client’s ability of intuitive and energetic perception that is felt when the client speaks of important things, when new growth is occurring for the client, and when the client is finding a more powerful sense of self.
  • The coach hears the totality of the client’s greatness and gifts as well as limiting beliefs and patterns.
  • The questions often require the client to find deeper contact with the client’s shadow and light sides and find hidden power in himself/herself.
  • The coach is not afraid of questions that will make either the coach or the client or both uncomfortable.

Please do not misunderstand what is being proposed. The coach is not taking the place of the Universal Divine within the client, but rather the coach is walking with the client into the depths of their being to explore the gifts of a Divinity that is the Ground of Being. Paradoxically, the deeper we go the more we experience higher wisdom. My first awareness of walking with another into the cavernous mystery of self-exploration came to me as a Stephens Minister. The more the person being ministered to felt my presence with them as they explored the depths and mystery of their own being, the more willing and optimistic they were about the process and potential of that exploration. This is not to suggest that Master Coaches are gods, but rather, our willingness to enter into that state of mystery with the client encourages the client to be more willing to explore and discover their undiscovered self, underutilized knowledge, skills, abilities, hopes, passions, spirit, and purposes….and their relationship with the Divine within.

The level of relatedness described above is rare and fleeting, but the benefits are powerful and lasting. The obvious benefit for the coachee is identified issues are addressed, which is important. But perhaps the more important and lasting benefit is the coachee develops trust in the process of exploring their deeper self, the confidence to engage in that process, assurance they can count on the Divine within, and the abilities to do so. The benefits for the Coach are similar. The coach and coachee are often both profoundly moved by this level of sacred relatedness.

Perhaps the greatest danger of coaching is not developing ineffective action plans, but a coaching session that ends with the coachee celebrating the skills and wisdom of the coach, giving the coach credit for the insights and action plan. This comes dangerously close to the coach playing God, and denies the client the opportunity to explore and develop their relationship with the Divine within themselves, creating a dependent relationship with the coach and undermining the client’s and the coach’s relationship with the Divine within.


George “Skip” Casey, ACC, is an Affiliate Coach with the Holmes Coaching Group.
For additional information about Skip and his work, click here.
4
Dec

“The Way Life Is and the Three Little Churches”

A Modern Parable: The Way Life Is and the Three Little Churches by Rev. Chris Holmes
(I had the idea for creating this parable from a sermon illustration by Jackie Prim)

Once upon a time there were three little churches. One was built out of the doctrine of love, the second out of love for family, and the third out of…well…just love.

One day The Way Life Is was walking down a path that suddenly split into three different directions. He decided to follow the path on the left which led to the first little church. It was a pretty little building with a hand-painted sign out front which said, “Come experience God’s love: All are welcome!” So, he knocked on the door saying, “Little church, little church, let me come in.”

Well the people in the church took one good look at The Way Life Is and replied, “Not by the hair on our chinny, chin, chin; we will not let you in.”

After a few minutes they shoved a slip of paper under the door to him. It was a list of the 10 doctrinal positions on love to which he must first sign his agreement before they would let him come in, including that he would live and love just like them.

Just then a storm came up. It huffed and puffed and blew that little church over side-ways. The people tipped their little church back upright and, this time, buckled it down even tighter to the ground than before. They took their sign down and kept a watchful eye out for The Way Life Is and the storms that sometimes accompany it.

The Way Life Is went back and followed the path on the right which led to the second little church. It was a larger church that had a tall shiny metal fence around it. Through the gate he could see that it had tennis courts, picnic tables, a school, an indoor pool and lots of happy families with children everywhere. It too had a sign on the gate which read, “Come experience God’s love: All are welcome!” So, he knocked on the gate of the second little church saying, “Little church, little church, let me come in.”

The families all stopped what they were doing and gathered in a clump on the other side of the gate. Knowingly, they said to one another, “But he is different from us, and how do we know he won’t hurt our children?” They replied to him, “Not by the hair on our chinny, chin, chin; we will not let you in.”

Just then, a strong wind came out of nowhere and leveled all their buildings. Two months later the families bought an even larger plot of ground where they rebuilt their church far far away from everyone else. This time the metal wall around it was twice a tall as before, with signs that said, “KEEP OUT” and “NO TRESPASSING.” Guards were posted outside to protect them from The Way Life Is and the strong winds that sometimes blow through life.

Lastly, The Way Life Is followed the path straight ahead which led to the third little church. Let’s just say the small building looked well worn and sort of patched together. The crooked sign outside read, “Come experience God’s love: All are welcome!” So, he knocked on the door saying, “Little church, little church, let me come in.”

And the people of the third little church opened the door and welcomed The Way Life Is into their lives and their little church. It wasn’t always easy, but over the years as they prayed together, laughed together and raised their kids together, they realized that they were all very much alike.

Eventually, a strong storm came along, because…well, you know… that’s just the way life is sometimes. The high winds did damage to the little church, but soon the people came with boards and hammers and shingles and did their best to patch up their raggedy little church one more time.

To this very day, when you come to a three-way fork in your path, you can follow the path straight ahead and find that little church still standing. It is pretty patched up and tilts to the side quite a bit, but by God, it is still standing.

And out in front is a worn little sign which reads, “Come experience God’s love: All are welcome.” And, they mean it.

12
Jun

Manage Brilliance

Managing your own brilliance is exceedingly difficult when you happen to be splendidly resourceful, magnificently creative, and dazzlingly gifted. But you already know this? Right!

What you may not know is how crucial that is to being a good coach. The goal of coaching is to help the person being coached live out of their own resourcefulness, their own creativity and their own dazzling giftedness. It is their brilliance we strive to elicit, requiring the coach to resist the overwhelming proclivity to make suggestions, offer solutions, and share from their vast experience.

But having said that, I concede there are a few occasions when the coach may offer a suggestion. Part of me is already regretting writing that because the slope of regression to being an expert is steep and slippery.

Here is the thing, we make two essential commitments to the people we coach. The first is to coach them in such a way that the ideas, goals and commitments are theirs. The second assurance we make is to be as straightforward and helpful as we can. When those two commitments are in conflict we may choose to break our chaste allegiance to strict coaching form, by going ahead to offer an idea or a suggestion.

This concession is a much better option than disingenuously manipulating the person toward our desired end or asking leading questions.

Here is my guidance on how, when and why to offer a suggestion in coaching.

It is reckless to swerve mindlessly in out coaching, so use your blinker when leaving the coaching lane. Ask, “Can I remove my coaching hat for a moment to make a suggestion?”

Be hasty. Get in and back out in one sentence.

Do it sparingly, in other words, almost never. Follow your intuition and when in doubt, resist the temptation.

Make this offer only when the person indicates they are feeling stuck; and in an effort to expand the range of possibilities being considered offer an idea somewhere between daring and outrageous.

Finally, if you make a suggestion in coaching, hold it lightly and observe the impact it has on the other person. You might think you have offered the best idea in the world but to them it may not be equally regarded.

Remember, the supreme principle you adhere to as a coach is that the resourcefulness, creativity and giftedness all come from the person being coached and it is your job to elicit, encourage and celebrate that brilliance. Their own ideas have the greatest chance of becoming their commitments.

So please do whatever you must to manage your own brilliance…always…OK, almost always.

8
Mar

“Rockin’ Out”

I am a 58 year old preacher who hangs out at three day music festivals. There are a variety or bands, the music is loud, and the air is strong with interesting aromas. Mostly what I love though is the movement. There is nothing like being in the middle of a throng of people rocking out in a sea of dancing.

Something about that experience feeds my primal nature; it rousts my passion and widens the space in my soul for the sheer exuberance of being alive. I would also say those times to me are sanctified, not in a hands-folded way, but in a fully cued up to God kind of way. It is definitely how I picture Miriam dancing, and David dancing, and perhaps even Jesus dancing at that week-long wedding celebration that ran out of wine.

So…where do we see that music passion in worship these days? Perhaps in some freed up gospel traditions, but not much in the mainline. Thirty years ago those who were choking on organ music and hymns thought praise music held the promise, but were wrong–too sanguine, too breathy, too theologically emaciated.

Instead of, “You are worthy, worthy, worthy, worthy, worthy…” just once I would like to hear a contemporary Christian artist rock out lyrics exploring the tension in being a follower of the Prince of Peace as we drone bomb other nations. Or the struggle of a young woman who is completely in love with Jesus, and is also in love with another woman. How about some real life challenges and thick theology put to music?

Yesterday, I dialed my radio to the Christian music stations for one infuriating hour; I was just checking in to see if it had gotten better. The bad news is it hasn’t. The good news, I guess, is according to every third song God is still worthy, worthy, worthy, worthy, worthy.

So, at the next music festival if you see a tall silver-haired guy in shorts and bare feet dancing his fool heart out, consider that in some incarnate way the exuberance of life is being celebrated and something akin to real worship is being experienced.

3
Nov

The “Art of Intrusion”

by Chris Holmes

“Do not interrupt other people’s stories and monologues; you know better than that.”

Someone taught this to you when you were young. So, you painstakingly wait it out, let it go on and on, wonder if the person you are listening to will ever come up for air, start thinking about dinner plans.

I spend my days with exceptionally nice people evidencing good conduct and long-suffering pastoral training. One of my most challenging endeavors is teaching them how to horn into someone’s soliloquy, without being rude, and come out alive.

It is the highly nuanced skill we teach in coaching called the “art of intrusion.”

Done well it sounds like this, “Excuse me, would you be willing to put into one sentence the meaning this story holds for you?”, or “I am really interested in knowing the affect this story has had on your life.” Done poorly it sounds like this, “Stop TALKING!”

Here is the truth about the skill of intrusion:

  • To the coach it almost always feels like a horribly rude interruption.
  • To the coachee it almost always feels like a helpful prompt to keep the focus on their learning and to use the coaching time well.

If the coach is to successfully move the conversation to an action plan, the art of intrusion is not just helpful, it is often necessary. So, my challenge to all coaches who encounter gifted storytellers is step up your game, take a risk. Forget what your momma taught you early on, override your nice gene, and appropriately push into monologues for the sake of helping the coachee move toward the goal of deeper learning or forwarding action in their life.

Caution: Using the skill of intrusion with a significant other may result in serious harm! Use at your own risk.

1
Jul

Refraction of Family Light

A forgotten underpaid laborer emerged sooty from an awkward shaft in the ground holding in his hand a small piece of carbon that had been concealed in the mantel of the earth for half the age of this planet. A billion years of penetrating heat and pressure had turned this igneous chunk into a tiny rock that was clear like glass.

In an array of angles and planes, it was hand-cut by an artisan into a gem weighing almost a full carat, mounted on a gold band and given to a young Mary Frances Reed in 1897 as an outward intention to wed. It passed through generations until recently, at sunset on a west coast beach, my son, Taylor, adroitly slipped it onto the elegant finger of Ashley Teter, the woman he will marry.

Call me crazy –but when held at the perfect angle in just the right light, through the slivers of color you can clearly see the vibrant lives of all five generations of ancestors. And I am left thinking about the ongoing importance of the refraction of family light.

 

26
Mar

Relocate Your Fire Pit

Have you ever noticed that conversation held over embers predictably takes a deep dive? Like there is some primal connection between stirring cinders, dodging smoke, and talk of God. Or maybe the combination is flame, aged Scotch, and deep theology.

Last October we relocated our fire pit. No longer sequestered in the well fenced backyard, there it evocatively now sits surrounded by a circle of chairs in the driveway where I used to park my car.

Like moths drawn to the light they come: not just invited guests, but dog walkers, joggers, neighbors we haven’t seen in a while and some we haven’t met. Passing by, they stop to pull up a chair. They chat for a bit, or stay late.

That fire pit brazenly extends the warm invitation of community to an increasingly secluded world.

Some nights by the fire I feel a bit like Rev. Casey in Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath, who used to be a preacher but got “all full up of Jesus” and found himself spending more time just listening to people and finding God there.

I relish being the fire host, which is mostly loading logs and listening. And the more I do, the stronger I feel the alluring summons to a deeper migration; the relocation of that in me which burns fervently in seclusion to the front yard of me.

I bid you also to consider the repositioning of your fire pit?

2
Mar

The Richness of the Poor

Guest Blog by Eileen Howard–

WHAT I’VE LEARNED FROM PEOPLE WHO HAVE LITTLE:

Encouragement–

This afternoon I’m feeling like the Queen of the World, all because I offered some music to folks at a ‘soup kitchen’.

I’ve been providing music at Daisy’s Food Pantry on Tuesdays at The Church of the Village. I sing a song, lead a sing-along, celebrate birthdays and then spin upbeat music while people wait for their number to be called. It has been a transformative experience for all of us, turning the crabbiness and conflicts that sometimes plagued that event into a joyous party where we have a good time. People nod and smile and dance and thank me. I feel like a million bucks when I’m done.

Today, I invited two of my band members to join me to entertain folks at the Community Meal that is served on Saturdays. I wasn’t sure what might happen. We played music for an hour and a half for a couple hundred people as they enjoyed a meal prepared and served by dedicated volunteers.

Being an artist anywhere, but especially in New York, can be hard. It is difficult to get gigs, and then people don’t pay you much, or anything, and require you to bring in a bunch of people to their club. It is disheartening and can sometimes make me feel unappreciated.

Today felt different. I didn’t get paid in dollars today, but boy was I paid! I cannot tell you how many people expressed their joy that we played some songs while they ate a meal. They smiled, and sang; danced and came up and thanked us. I felt such encouragement and happiness about this meager offering of talents. And, hey! It was my biggest audience EVER in New York!

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this kind of support. In the time we served at The Church for All People, I felt more encouragement than ever before in my life. Folks who were down on their luck genuinely appreciated what I did there and let me know it every chance they could. And I wasn’t the only one. I listened to the poorest people in our community regularly boost the spirits of volunteers and staff whenever they could.

People who have the least seem to be the most likely to share what they CAN give: appreciation and support. They don’t care about little mistakes, they don’t care if I’m not the greatest singer in the world. They deeply appreciate anyone who willingly shares their gifts.

It occurred to me today that it is challenging to build an audience in New York, but I DO have an enthusiastic following of the destitute and homeless! Aren’t I lucky!?

Author’s Note: This is one of several reflections about what I learned working and worshiping with people who are poor economically, during my years as Minister of Music at The United Methodist Church for All People (C4AP) in Columbus, Ohio, and now doing a music ministry at The Church of the Village. Names are changed to protect privacy.

Editor’s note: This piece was previously featured on Eileen Howard’s own blog site http://eileenhoward.blogspot.com/ and reprinted with her permission. It is the third in a series on the topic.