by Chris Holmes
Published January 2019
Episcopal Church Foundation Vital Practices Publication
You have surely experienced teams that were life-giving and productive, and I’ll bet you’ve also served on teams that were energy-suckers and a waste of your time. What caused those to be such different experiences? Which kind of team is your vestry?
Life-giving teams build community and synergy around a higher purpose while utilizing the gifts of each member of the team. This kind of a team doesn’t just sort of happen. It is the consequence of a process of careful selection, intentional development and team leader training.
The first thing to realize about teamwork is that a team is fundamentally different from a group. Groups come together for sharing or learning and then apply that learning to their individual lives. Teams develop a common vision with established goals, and rise or fall together because their members share responsibility for the results of their work.
The church vestry is innately designed to function as a team with shared responsibility for church governance, structure and selection. It holds a place at the top of the local congregation’s organizational structure, with the purpose of helping the congregation fulfill its mission. The best of vestry life happens when the organization functions as a team accomplishing its work productively and collaboratively. The worst of vestry life plays out when it behaves as a group of individuals protecting their silo areas, fighting for turf and refusing to budge for the greater good of the congregation.
A research study involving thousands of teams identified as effective, found these six common factors:
The study on Team Effectiveness found that when the first five of these factors are in place, there is a 60% chance that the team will be effective in doing its work. The other 40% chance of success in effectiveness depends upon the quality of leadership provided to the team.
This research suggests that it is imperative for the vestry to have a clear sense of purpose, membership that is chosen with intention and leadership that is capable. These elements are sometimes challenging in volunteer organizations with limited resources. However, they are essential for vestries in the process of becoming life-giving teams.
Strong leaders are shaped, not born. In vestry life we have the great opportunity to help increase the leadership ability of those placed in positions of leadership in the church by teaching them the skills needed to succeed.
Consider holding a vestry workshop for new church leaders called, “How to Lead a Stellar Church Meeting,” covering these essential ingredients:
Very often, this kind of workshop can be led by a vestry member who learned team leadership skills in their workplace.
Vestry service does not have to be contentious, frustrating drudgery. Who wouldn’t rather serve on a vestry that works joyfully as a team and focuses on God’s amazing work in the world as the body of Christ? Life-giving vestries don’t just materialize on their own, they happen on purpose when attention is given to careful election of membership, clarity of purpose with a focus on mission and intentional training of leaders.
Chris Holmes leads The Holmes Coaching Group, Inc. specializing in coaching church vestries, pastors and denominational leaders. He is a United Methodist Pastor, consultant to the Episcopal Church Foundation, and author of The Art of Coaching Clergy.
A friend/parishioner walked into my office the other day and asked me a great question about what I planned to do after I retired. I’ve got a plan and a lot of excitement about this impending chapter in my life, so I began telling her. At the first pause between my words she began to share her experience with retirement, and that’s what we talked about for the next ten minutes.
As soon as we quit talking about me, I realized how hungry I was to talk about this new phase of my life with someone who would listen to what I was thinking, but this person was not a coach.
I’m not wanting to be too hard on my parishioner/friend. She’s a kind person who came to me with a genuine question, but her mind quickly traveled to a familiar thought of her own. I think we often ask questions with the unconscious intention of providing an opportunity to express our own thoughts. That’s a common occurrence, but that small interaction reminded me of the difference between coaching and casual conversation. Coaching requires a form of disciplined listening that we generally fail to exercise in casual conversation. It doesn’t take a genius to realize this, but this is the genius of coaching.
Gratefully, you don’t have to be brilliant to be a coach. The task of a coach is to listen for and to extract the brilliance in others. This is no small task, and it’s particularly difficult with individuals who are quick to put their genius on parade. But there aren’t any of us who don’t need a little help managing our inner wisdom, which is the work of a coach. Moving into new territory is rarely an easy journey, and there’s nothing like a well-crafted question and a listening heart to provide needed light and to promote effective action. Coaching isn’t rocket science, but done properly, a good coach will enable a client to explore their outer limits, and who doesn’t want to go on such a journey!
I’m grateful to my parishioner for asking me a good question and for inadvertently reminding me of the very thing that fuels successful coaching – hunger for more understanding of who we are and what we can do. I’m grateful for the hunger.
It’s that hunger that keeps us all asking and listening and praying and finding!
In his classic The Varieties of Religious Experience (1902), William James conducts a pragmatic examination of a large and varied sample of documented religious experiences from Christianity, Islam, and Buddhism. His pragmatic approach assumes anything that produces results must be real. He concludes the act of praying produces beneficial personal results beyond what the individual’s own self-development efforts are able to produce. James theorizes that in the less conscious recesses of our being we interact with God in a holistic and genuine way, a mysterious sacred relatedness. This is where and how spiritual healing and practical spiritual revelation occurs. This is the type of healing our own egos resist. Because, as the ego attempts to change itself, it is also seeking to maintain its status quo.
A careful review of the ICF Master Coaching Criteria reveals qualities of interaction one might intuit as sacred relatedness, similar to the relatedness James describes, we experience with the Divine at the deeper levels of our being. The following statements are a small sample selected from the ICF Master level competencies.
Please do not misunderstand what is being proposed. The coach is not taking the place of the Universal Divine within the client, but rather the coach is walking with the client into the depths of their being to explore the gifts of a Divinity that is the Ground of Being. Paradoxically, the deeper we go the more we experience higher wisdom. My first awareness of walking with another into the cavernous mystery of self-exploration came to me as a Stephens Minister. The more the person being ministered to felt my presence with them as they explored the depths and mystery of their own being, the more willing and optimistic they were about the process and potential of that exploration. This is not to suggest that Master Coaches are gods, but rather, our willingness to enter into that state of mystery with the client encourages the client to be more willing to explore and discover their undiscovered self, underutilized knowledge, skills, abilities, hopes, passions, spirit, and purposes….and their relationship with the Divine within.
The level of relatedness described above is rare and fleeting, but the benefits are powerful and lasting. The obvious benefit for the coachee is identified issues are addressed, which is important. But perhaps the more important and lasting benefit is the coachee develops trust in the process of exploring their deeper self, the confidence to engage in that process, assurance they can count on the Divine within, and the abilities to do so. The benefits for the Coach are similar. The coach and coachee are often both profoundly moved by this level of sacred relatedness.
Perhaps the greatest danger of coaching is not developing ineffective action plans, but a coaching session that ends with the coachee celebrating the skills and wisdom of the coach, giving the coach credit for the insights and action plan. This comes dangerously close to the coach playing God, and denies the client the opportunity to explore and develop their relationship with the Divine within themselves, creating a dependent relationship with the coach and undermining the client’s and the coach’s relationship with the Divine within.
A Modern Parable: The Way Life Is and the Three Little Churches by Rev. Chris Holmes
(I had the idea for creating this parable from a sermon illustration by Jackie Prim)
Once upon a time there were three little churches. One was built out of the doctrine of love, the second out of love for family, and the third out of…well…just love.
One day The Way Life Is was walking down a path that suddenly split into three different directions. He decided to follow the path on the left which led to the first little church. It was a pretty little building with a hand-painted sign out front which said, “Come experience God’s love: All are welcome!” So, he knocked on the door saying, “Little church, little church, let me come in.”
Well the people in the church took one good look at The Way Life Is and replied, “Not by the hair on our chinny, chin, chin; we will not let you in.”
After a few minutes they shoved a slip of paper under the door to him. It was a list of the 10 doctrinal positions on love to which he must first sign his agreement before they would let him come in, including that he would live and love just like them.
Just then a storm came up. It huffed and puffed and blew that little church over side-ways. The people tipped their little church back upright and, this time, buckled it down even tighter to the ground than before. They took their sign down and kept a watchful eye out for The Way Life Is and the storms that sometimes accompany it.
The Way Life Is went back and followed the path on the right which led to the second little church. It was a larger church that had a tall shiny metal fence around it. Through the gate he could see that it had tennis courts, picnic tables, a school, an indoor pool and lots of happy families with children everywhere. It too had a sign on the gate which read, “Come experience God’s love: All are welcome!” So, he knocked on the gate of the second little church saying, “Little church, little church, let me come in.”
The families all stopped what they were doing and gathered in a clump on the other side of the gate. Knowingly, they said to one another, “But he is different from us, and how do we know he won’t hurt our children?” They replied to him, “Not by the hair on our chinny, chin, chin; we will not let you in.”
Just then, a strong wind came out of nowhere and leveled all their buildings. Two months later the families bought an even larger plot of ground where they rebuilt their church far far away from everyone else. This time the metal wall around it was twice a tall as before, with signs that said, “KEEP OUT” and “NO TRESPASSING.” Guards were posted outside to protect them from The Way Life Is and the strong winds that sometimes blow through life.
Lastly, The Way Life Is followed the path straight ahead which led to the third little church. Let’s just say the small building looked well worn and sort of patched together. The crooked sign outside read, “Come experience God’s love: All are welcome!” So, he knocked on the door saying, “Little church, little church, let me come in.”
And the people of the third little church opened the door and welcomed The Way Life Is into their lives and their little church. It wasn’t always easy, but over the years as they prayed together, laughed together and raised their kids together, they realized that they were all very much alike.
Eventually, a strong storm came along, because…well, you know… that’s just the way life is sometimes. The high winds did damage to the little church, but soon the people came with boards and hammers and shingles and did their best to patch up their raggedy little church one more time.
To this very day, when you come to a three-way fork in your path, you can follow the path straight ahead and find that little church still standing. It is pretty patched up and tilts to the side quite a bit, but by God, it is still standing.
And out in front is a worn little sign which reads, “Come experience God’s love: All are welcome.” And, they mean it.
Managing your own brilliance is exceedingly difficult when you happen to be splendidly resourceful, magnificently creative, and dazzlingly gifted. But you already know this? Right!
What you may not know is how crucial that is to being a good coach. The goal of coaching is to help the person being coached live out of their own resourcefulness, their own creativity and their own dazzling giftedness. It is their brilliance we strive to elicit, requiring the coach to resist the overwhelming proclivity to make suggestions, offer solutions, and share from their vast experience.
But having said that, I concede there are a few occasions when the coach may offer a suggestion. Part of me is already regretting writing that because the slope of regression to being an expert is steep and slippery.
Here is the thing, we make two essential commitments to the people we coach. The first is to coach them in such a way that the ideas, goals and commitments are theirs. The second assurance we make is to be as straightforward and helpful as we can. When those two commitments are in conflict we may choose to break our chaste allegiance to strict coaching form, by going ahead to offer an idea or a suggestion.
This concession is a much better option than disingenuously manipulating the person toward our desired end or asking leading questions.
Here is my guidance on how, when and why to offer a suggestion in coaching.
It is reckless to swerve mindlessly in out coaching, so use your blinker when leaving the coaching lane. Ask, “Can I remove my coaching hat for a moment to make a suggestion?”
Be hasty. Get in and back out in one sentence.
Do it sparingly, in other words, almost never. Follow your intuition and when in doubt, resist the temptation.
Make this offer only when the person indicates they are feeling stuck; and in an effort to expand the range of possibilities being considered offer an idea somewhere between daring and outrageous.
Finally, if you make a suggestion in coaching, hold it lightly and observe the impact it has on the other person. You might think you have offered the best idea in the world but to them it may not be equally regarded.
Remember, the supreme principle you adhere to as a coach is that the resourcefulness, creativity and giftedness all come from the person being coached and it is your job to elicit, encourage and celebrate that brilliance. Their own ideas have the greatest chance of becoming their commitments.
So please do whatever you must to manage your own brilliance…always…OK, almost always.
I am a 58 year old preacher who hangs out at three day music festivals. There are a variety or bands, the music is loud, and the air is strong with interesting aromas. Mostly what I love though is the movement. There is nothing like being in the middle of a throng of people rocking out in a sea of dancing.
Something about that experience feeds my primal nature; it rousts my passion and widens the space in my soul for the sheer exuberance of being alive. I would also say those times to me are sanctified, not in a hands-folded way, but in a fully cued up to God kind of way. It is definitely how I picture Miriam dancing, and David dancing, and perhaps even Jesus dancing at that week-long wedding celebration that ran out of wine.
So…where do we see that music passion in worship these days? Perhaps in some freed up gospel traditions, but not much in the mainline. Thirty years ago those who were choking on organ music and hymns thought praise music held the promise, but were wrong–too sanguine, too breathy, too theologically emaciated.
Instead of, “You are worthy, worthy, worthy, worthy, worthy…” just once I would like to hear a contemporary Christian artist rock out lyrics exploring the tension in being a follower of the Prince of Peace as we drone bomb other nations. Or the struggle of a young woman who is completely in love with Jesus, and is also in love with another woman. How about some real life challenges and thick theology put to music?
Yesterday, I dialed my radio to the Christian music stations for one infuriating hour; I was just checking in to see if it had gotten better. The bad news is it hasn’t. The good news, I guess, is according to every third song God is still worthy, worthy, worthy, worthy, worthy.
So, at the next music festival if you see a tall silver-haired guy in shorts and bare feet dancing his fool heart out, consider that in some incarnate way the exuberance of life is being celebrated and something akin to real worship is being experienced.
by Chris Holmes
“Do not interrupt other people’s stories and monologues; you know better than that.”
Someone taught this to you when you were young. So, you painstakingly wait it out, let it go on and on, wonder if the person you are listening to will ever come up for air, start thinking about dinner plans.
I spend my days with exceptionally nice people evidencing good conduct and long-suffering pastoral training. One of my most challenging endeavors is teaching them how to horn into someone’s soliloquy, without being rude, and come out alive.
It is the highly nuanced skill we teach in coaching called the “art of intrusion.”
Done well it sounds like this, “Excuse me, would you be willing to put into one sentence the meaning this story holds for you?”, or “I am really interested in knowing the affect this story has had on your life.” Done poorly it sounds like this, “Stop TALKING!”
Here is the truth about the skill of intrusion:
If the coach is to successfully move the conversation to an action plan, the art of intrusion is not just helpful, it is often necessary. So, my challenge to all coaches who encounter gifted storytellers is step up your game, take a risk. Forget what your momma taught you early on, override your nice gene, and appropriately push into monologues for the sake of helping the coachee move toward the goal of deeper learning or forwarding action in their life.
Caution: Using the skill of intrusion with a significant other may result in serious harm! Use at your own risk.
A forgotten underpaid laborer emerged sooty from an awkward shaft in the ground holding in his hand a small piece of carbon that had been concealed in the mantel of the earth for half the age of this planet. A billion years of penetrating heat and pressure had turned this igneous chunk into a tiny rock that was clear like glass.
In an array of angles and planes, it was hand-cut by an artisan into a gem weighing almost a full carat, mounted on a gold band and given to a young Mary Frances Reed in 1897 as an outward intention to wed. It passed through generations until recently, at sunset on a west coast beach, my son, Taylor, adroitly slipped it onto the elegant finger of Ashley Teter, the woman he will marry.
Call me crazy –but when held at the perfect angle in just the right light, through the slivers of color you can clearly see the vibrant lives of all five generations of ancestors. And I am left thinking about the ongoing importance of the refraction of family light.
In every middle school there is a group of kids who are the trendsetters in hair length, fashion, how to act cool and even how to talk. You know who they were in your school, and maybe you were even one of them. I was a cool kid “wanna-be” languishing somewhere in the unremarkable vortex of artsy geeks and awkward athletes; a species classification I have been unable to shake.
But as it turns out, the cool kids never stopped; they just grew older and became the language trendsetters of today. A few years back they started the theologically shallow “IT’S ALL GOOD” craze. Then they birthed the “WAAAAAHOOO” movement –as in a dinner table full of middle-aged women throwing back Chardonnay trying to out “WHAAAAAHOOO” one another.
Most recently I’ve noticed cool speak has ebbed toward the aggravating “I KNOW, RIGHT?” For most of my five decades of living, I never heard one single person exclaim, “I KNOW, RIGHT?” Now it is everywhere. I heard it twice on TV last night and five times today in a short conversation.
In light of this proliferation of annoying “cool speak,” I want you to know that I will resist all temptations to succumb to using it, and I confidently promise that you will never hear me rip a “WHAAAAHOOO.” After all there are standards. I know, right?
I listen to the news of your suicide bombings and your “Death to the Infidels” chanting, your subjugation of women, your use of chemical warfare and the audacity of beheadings, and I want to do two things to you.
First, I want to wave your Holy Book in your face reminding you that nowhere does your faith justify such misguided hatred, oppression and butchery. I want to force you to admit your arrogant sinfulness and the incredulous incongruity with which you are living your “faithful life.” You “so called” believer in one of the world’s great religions, mocking the very tenants of your faith. You hypocrite!
The other thing I want to do to you is bomb the hell out of you in response to your barbaric actions. I want to “drone bomb” you completely out of existence before you further terrorize the world. The world would be better off without you.
Then, I see the Holy Book of my faith sitting on the edge of my desk as I write. It is about the same size and shape as yours. I know what its well-worn pages say about humility… the peace-makers… those living by the sword… loving enemies…and turning the other cheek. I have studied that book for a life-time and know unmistakably what it says.
And suddenly I find that my voice crying “You Hypocrite” is reverberating in my own ears. I realize the phrase “incredulous incongruity” is a one-size-fits-all jacket resting on my own shoulders.
Left up to us and our visceral reactions to one another –you and I will just continue to kill each other. The only hope I know is taking your Holy Book more seriously, or mine, or both. To be a person of faith, any faith, is not to just know what’s in the book, it is to live what’s in the book. To be a person of faith is to risk living with Credulous Congruity.